“…Al mattino mi sveglio affranto
Altro che biscottino, mi ci vuole un trapianto…”
Avete presente, no? Pubblicità e Spot di Mulino Bianco che hanno fatto la storia Tutto costruito. Ovvio direte voi, si’ però fa bene ripetere, per prendere coscienza. A dirla proprio tutta, dove c’è Barilla, non c’è casa, anzi. Ad una certa vien voglia di andare via da quella casa… e’ un po’ come l’effetto facebook, mostriamo le foto più belle, raccontiamo le storie di successo, le nostre relazioni sembrano idilliache e strappa “likes” e vai di dopamina, che bellezza! Peccato che a volte, forse troppo spesso, e’ tutto falso. Eh, si’ son partito a bomba oggi, ma mi spiego…
I rapporti familiari (disfunzionali) è stato l’argomento del mio ultimo intervento live su Instagram IGTV, che come al solito vi proporrò come registrazione nei prossimi giorni nei miei accounts social.
Volenti o nolenti noi esseri umani siamo lontani dall’essere perfetti, e qua sta anche la nostra bellezza in un certo senso, la nostra umanità appunto. Tradotto in rapporti familiari sappiamo tutti, chi più e chi meno che le famiglie perfette non esistono, semplice, e’ un dato di fatto. Questo vuol dire che ci sono dei livelli di disfunzionalità di cui va presa coscienza, perché al giorno d’oggi, con l’informazione e i mezzi che abbiamo, non ci si puo’ piu’ nascondere dietro un dito e si può iniziare un percorso che ci porti ad essere un genitore migliore, una persona migliore e perché no, un figlio o una figlia migliore.
Oggi in particolare vorrei ritornare alle mie vecchie abitudini da ladro, ma si’ lo sapete, quando faccio il Robin Hood degli psicologi, rubo spunti da altri e ve li propongo qui. Stavo parlando con l’autore, con cui collaboro a livello lavorativo, e mi ha incuriosito, perché parla appunto di relazioni umane, di genitori ed in particolare di punti di vista di un papa’ Italiano (anche se scritto in inglese). Ho pensato che una testimonianza diretta potrebbe dare spunti di riflessione. Però invece del solito link, questo ve lo vorrei proporre integralmente qui di seguito, e’ un po’ più lungo dei miei soliti post ma ‘medium’ dice che ci vogliono solo otto minuti per leggerlo. Allora buoni rapporti familiari a tutti e alla prossima, ovviamente se c’e’ qualcosa di cui parlare, sapete dove trovarmi…
We need new humans
A talk to myself…and the boys
Written by: Angelo Ridolfo Nicastro
“I honestly wonder how many dads there are out there willing to connect with their children and learn how to be a better person, a better parent. If you are one of them and willing to share, tell me how you (would like to) do it. Because what I see is a too big number of dads (but mums too) that like me tend still to project their frustrations, anxiety, stress or proper traumas, to their children. We are too often too proud, too dominated by emotions and too willing to dominate everything and everyone, we want to control what is often uncontrollable. We have with this inner ancient animal instinct of survival that still leads our brains, we lack in consciousness and emotional intelligence no matter how good we think we are…but we are learning, aren’t we?
Manliness and sheer dominance at this moment are put under big pressure for change, and rightly so.
From my observatory point, I can see most of us live with a fundamental issue of an imbalanced life. Big or small imbalances but still the majority of people are not satisfied, about their life, about their relations, and the not so good news is that we know now that this historical moment doesn’t make things easier, or is it? I am here to find out but mainly to act according to my assumptions.
We experience an unhealthy amount of stress, anxiety, dysfunctionality, disconnection, in private and work interpersonal relations and in relations with the world, institutions, governments.
We even have dysfunctional relations with ourselves in (too) many cases, we don’t know how the one person we live our whole life is functioning, we just pretend, we use masks, or we assume the struggle is life itself. Now, even if a zen approach is always helpful and I am always looking to find a balance between Western and Eastern approaches, philosophies, attitudes, It doesn’t have to be this way. We can reach out for a more fulfilled life, It doesn’t matter what the starting external or internal conditions are.
Actually, we are born to shine and to live balanced harmonious lives. Instead, we are too often going in circles and live not completely fulfilling lives and relations. Families, parents, institutions, educators and children don’t have enough consciousness, focus and educational tools and training on how to grow and stay balanced, harmonious, happy people. Does it ring the bell?
Ah, yes, ahem… Hello there!
Welcome onboard on my personal time spaceship, the emergency exit is controlled by the tap of your finger, but if you are staying, tighten your seatbelt, we are about to take off on an empowering journey into the boys’ world, the masculine and the feminine, the right and the left sides of our brains, the education, the systems, our roles, the future of humanity. Welcome into this dad’s journey, the weather looks turbulent out there and the temperature swings a lot, so be prepared for some shakes.
This is the very first article of a brand new blog called “umano”. Another one? You might wonder. Yes.
Why? (You might ask) Because I need it, but it’s not only about me, I promise, well, ok, it’s a lot about me but also It’s about saving the world…Yeah, I know…
What I am trying to do here is to call out for all dads and boys in general, with the help of others interested in social reforms and personal transformation.
You see, I guess people keep blogs for different reasons. My reason is to talk to myself in a written form and then expose my thoughts to see if there are other boys like me and social reformers out there (I am sure there are, I am just double-checking and counting). I mean, people in need of growth, personal evolution for human evolution. The real thing, those dads that would like to be better, to become the best version of themselves as people and as ‘educators’ or ‘facilitators’, for themselves, of course, but also for higher aims, bigger than me and you, for our kids, ultimately the aim is a contribution to everyone wellbeing and to a much, much, better, future. We all know by now that thing called purpose, don’t we? You’ll get to know me, I’ll ask lots of rhetorical questions.
For now, if you know yourself or you’d like to find out, and you are the one who is trying or desperately want to try (or at least believe you are trying) to find the best version of yourself. Really being the person you like to be, the one you think you are or have the potential to be: fair, bold, balanced, resolute, confident, loving, loved, fulfilled, reliable, responsible, resourceful, maybe inspiring for others, surely for your kids and so for the future generations. The list of good character traits could go on for another three posts of a couple of thousands of words but I stop here. You’re welcome.
Ah, yes, why do I address boys in particular? Well, I am one of them and pretty much know what I am talking about. I lived in a boy body, mind and soul for roughly half a century, I know the struggles I (we?) go through, possibly know our strengths and I definitely am finding a few important weaknesses.
Let me be honest boys, what else can we do in this moment rather than take it seriously? It’s a time where everybody needs to shift to a better self, a resilient and happier one, and boys have some hard work to do here. It is also about time to do it, for real.
Because in a still superdominant male society, where the masculine archaic attitude is still holding the key in our personal lives as well as some (all?) macro important fields, from economy and politics to education, science, lifestyles…. then, yes boys, we have to start this inner journey, and after getting the consciousness of what’s happening within us, we bring out the results, we use the knowledge and the awareness. It doesn’t matter if you are 8 years old or 108, you need it. Of course, if you are a ‘young umano’, then your parents need to provide, the education system needs to provide, the society needs to provide better educational tools. If you are a dad, like me, you are an integral part of this mate and therefore very responsible. If you are an educator you are involved too. You are a girl? Help us do this, in a constructive way, pretty please?
Actually, if you are a girl, let’s say a mum, a partner, a sister, a daughter or else, well, become a social reformer as well and get to know your power. Let’s support each other without patronising (that’s a mainly male trait, first admission). Power girls out there, cherish your intuition and your feminine energy, don’t accept or adopt the dark side of the masculine but only the reassuring dad forces, the strengths and the boldness. Ting is, if we don’t do it we are not gonna go out of this vicious circle. Passing our burden to our children it’s not the way. So, you girl, instead of adapting or replicating this model as if it was yours, bring to the table your kindness and compassionate superpower, your intuitive self, the mother human energy, the one that brings positive lasting results, your way of being bold. Balance all your strengths with our masculine good traits, and let’s dance a better dance. Let’s give our kids a future to be proud of. Shall we?
I hope so.
You know, the bottom line is: We’ve been so far dominated by our apparently rational cultural models of thinking. We assume that if we call it a rational model for communication and human relations, and it’s made of a lot of verbal or written communication, then It will lead us to rational behaviours.. BZZZ! Wrong. We are much more irrational in our behaviours than what we think, yes boys I am talking to me but to you as well. We should feel more rather than “just” think with the left brain, or talk. We need to attune more, we should really get to know better our intuitive sides, the energetic fields, but also the laws of true logic and start to use the so much celebrated Emotional Intelligence. The IQ needs to be integrated and led by the EQ?
No? Me neither. To be precise I skimmed through it, but still had a major revelation on how irrational our behaviours are. Thinking, Fast and Slow is a must-read or at least a must skimmed through book for all new wanna be conscious grown-up boys.
Ok, I thought I am going to write a post, but this seems to be longer than expected, bear with me.
What really shocks me is that at this point we as humans have access to enough knowledge and practises to enhance our lives to the next level, bringing consciousness and action to improve. And this knowledge is out there, cheap, if not free.
Why don’t we use it?
Because we are still trapped in our bad routines and even when we access the knowledge, this doesn’t translate in real life. Knowledge is not power if it is not acted upon, we too often miss the implementation steps of knowledge, it happens so many times that even when we own it, we miss the empowering bit, the right balance between knowing and acting on the basis of that information. (Thanks Jim Kwik!).
We need to start somewhere though. So it is good to start with information and knowledge. So first step first, the issue in the current main lifestyles and education systems is that they don’t give people the opportunity and the mind form to study themselves, how we really function and how we all can strive in life. It’s about getting conscious and acting for the better. Be the best versions of ourselves. In order to be the best dads, best parents, best educators, best reformers, best everything you are. We still have too few real chances of fulfilling lives and we don’t work hard enough to give it to future generations. The schools don’t provide this, the families and parents neither. That’s where I would start.
To fill the lack of consciousness, we need to seek, find, create and use enough educational tools to go to the next level, an even more ‘human’ state of being. Can you believe we are still stuck to the Homo Sapiens? Why not going to the “Homo Illuminatis” (yes, I made it up) stage? or whatever we want to call it.
Boys and all, c’mon, let’s seek truly empowering relations with people, with nature and things in general. What not to do is under our own eyes: wars, damaging human activities on nature, dysfunctions within communities and within ourselves, lack of our inner knowledge and emotional management. The lifestyles we choose replicate these patterns on and on with little growth, considering the potential we all have. In this circle, we keep transferring the burden to our children and future generations. Let’s break this, something is already moving. I am not the first that had a lot of time to think and reassess priorities in this past year.
Now, I stated it and I want to be reliable, so let’s put some information to action, with an open question to all of you: Would you be interested in having an online live-meet up for an exchange of ideas, opinions, resources? Could be with StreamYard, Zoom or the likes. Let me know. Could be an open event live. I am also thinking of having somebody that knows, a professional, a researcher that can cast some light on one or more of the topics I touched here. Stay tuned for more info boys and don’t forget to b-u-man.”